Please don't bluff.

2006-05-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

you wouldn't know what hit you till it hits you.

for the past week i've been well, staying at home almost everyday watching my korean vcd's or some korean movie. really don't feel like doing anything other than staying in at home, but i do know that i need a break from singapore.

i don't know why but i seem to get angry or upset rather easily and rude for that matter.
what's wrong with me.
what's wrong with me.

realised this the past few days.
however much you want to change something, sometimes its really all too late.
all too late to make it better.
imperfections. what a term.

all you can do is live, and let live.

easier said than done.

people still fascinate me.
how selfish, volatile, inconsiderate, ugly we all are.
losing faith in people too.
so from today onwards, i'm going to train myself to stop expecting anything from anyone.

on a brighter note: i've got my IA interview on monday 10.30am.
really scary cuz i had such a bad experience in my last interview with SMU and it was like all 6 of us sitting across 3 professors. =/ wells.

the hearts of Man are cruel with intent.
i couldn't agree more.

2005-10-28T09:08:00.000-07:00

obedience.
not delayed.
not rushed.

i can't wait for exams to be over. =)

2005-08-23T07:04:00.000-07:00

be still my soul, be still my soul.

tired. flapped out tired okay. reached home at 8.15pm. i can finally tell sufeng.. OEI! i understand!!! ahhh.. how she travelled back and forth last time even after kayaking training.. i'm still wondering. =/

tired of having to listen and deal with my schoolmate problems day in-day out. same old stuff. same old issues. ah. this is more tiring than doing my tutorials. it so is. don't get me wrong, i like them.. just that i wish they could just GET ON WITH LIFE and stop being so oblivious to the things/ppl around them. this is me going to blow if i have to listen anymore of it. anymore i tell u.

everytime i get worked up or just feeling "urgh".. really wanna go down to the Apple shop to get my ipod. if not for the slavish price on it, it would be in my bag everyday.

gonna tighten my braces this thurs. URGH. so i'm chewing what i can. =)

looking forward to...
FRIDAY! come home + sleep + spend time prep-ing for sunday
wanna go and support Engie's band "No compromise" on saturday...
FIRST camp com meeting this sunday
printing cell t-shirt

often wonder how great God's heart is. i look at my own heart, somedays i feel like fainting[cuz of work or stuff], other days when i think about how much i lack as a person cum leader, heart aches. dunno whether u've felt this before, but have u felt like someone was squeezing yr heart? as in, literally? till it ached so bad? i mean, not the asthma kinda pain, but the somewhat like the heartache when u broke up with someone kinda thing?

my heart is going in many directions now. family, cell, camp comm, friends, sch work. wooohoo. divided u say? nope. all independent to be interdependent. hence, NOT mutually exclusive. hahaha. i'm going nuts.

what is left undone in yr life? what is yr greatest regret?

STOP mulling. start living.

oh shut up and be still. [STILL TRYING]

2005-08-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

He's the man, man.

woke up and realised i was sleeping on my fan remote... slavishness. went to the toilet to see this huge rectangular red imprint on my forehead. ha. boooooya.

played with my brother today. good fun. tested him on his multiplications + some english stuff like... "as small as.... , or as noisy as....". when i was in primary 2, i was still doing 8+8 = ? GOLLY GOODNESS. how much the syllabus has changed. =/

finally started reading my 2008 electrical circuits stuff. took eons but i got through. twos complement. hurr hurr. logic gates. SO logical. finally got time to watch some tv... the "sanduo" chinese series was showing.. the one with a gazillion episodes? hahaha. nice relief from electric circuits. *call me crazy*

ms was gooooood stuff. goooood stuff. how we chinese take for granted the "freedom" in choosing our religions. [though some of us faced persecutions but never ever to the point of killing someone for it]. somehow i attended ms today with my insides rather a-okay, not flustered... stood up to stand in proxy for mummy. just prayed, and prayed.... prayed till i broke down. thank goodness a gospelighter came to me cuz i was sitting right smack in the middle.. so its rather hard for them to walk in cum pray.. but thank God she did. Godsent, definitely. felt comforted and at the same time, saw and imagined how my mum's condition will be healed.

honestly believe that as we pray in tongues, the Spirit interceeds for us. that to me is a gift from God. i know that His healing has begun in my mum's life... she was touched last week... this week she stayed at home to rest... today she came home telling me about an old friend she met at the market and how her friend has cancer.

me: "did u invite her to the miracle service ma?"
mum: "but she's a buddhist... i saw her, then i felt so sad... "
me:" YES OF COURSE CAN LAH...!"
mum: "is it? okay.. i will call her next week to go with me."

so u see.. everything happens for a reason. didn't blame God when mum found out she had 4 fibroids and a cyst in her womb... knew it was for a reason. this is the reason, for her to bring her friends to Christ too. i'm not saying "YAY!" mummy got sick, i'm saying... God will NOT allow someone to suffer just for no rhyme or reason. it is thro' our weakness, He works.

just like what He's doing in my mum's life, in my family's life, He will do much more in yours. just persevere in prayer. it took me 6 years to bring my mother to Christ.. just pray. just believe. be bold in sharing. let your life be a testimony for Him. =)

ditzy mode
been going around telling everyone i wanna get married. those la-la moments. i know i want a swing in my house. those in the balcony where u can just spend the whole day reading, enjoying?? yarrp. i want those ratten ones. comfy. AND photos everywhere... black white, coloured... toilet door to have "EXIT" written on it or something like that. i want my phone to look like a toothbrush or something weird. grin. *day dreaming, again*

spangles. oodles. much to think about.
living. dreaming. wishes away.
fleeting moments just pass us by.

make no mistake.
the answers aren't so clear.
we wait. we pray. we hope. we wish.

what don't you know?
what do you see?
a future. i wish.
was a meant to be.

my life is not my own. for you are Great.

2005-08-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

farewell stone!! see how pretty stone has become?!?! we all need to go to the states i tell u. grin. nice meeting up with the rest after OH SO LONG. managed to catch up with jan... heh. kai jie also has braces! les still MAN.. doggy still doggish. wooot. jinli carrying my bag.. *heavy sia*

2005-08-19T08:21:00.000-07:00

nus cell. check out the mugging. erney's hilarious i tell u. check out column 3 row 2, the guy at the backdrop.. HE ISN'T FROM NUS CELLL OKAY. extra. =/ hahahah. sue looks sleepy.. all of our eyes screams *WE NEED SLEEP*

2005-08-18T07:32:00.000-07:00

camp!

excited about the upcoming church camps.. a long way more to go, yet i can feel it. revival. taking on the role of camp commandent. exciting exciting. these few days been praying over the camp com, roles to be filled... directions needed, but most of all, His will be done, not mine. learning the ropes as i go along... so far so good. got my own excel list of things to be done... sound like admin again.. BUT this time round rather different. WOOOOOOT!

excited to be part of such a wonderful team. *huge metal brace-ish grin*

spoke to Bro Pacer today. went well.. he asked "Why do i feel the passion for my cell?". in a few seconds i answered, "i dunno why or how, but it stems from my love for them." somehow, somewhere in time, my love for them grew within the burdens, within the rebelliousness, within the times when i felt the heartaches.

i'm stubborn in the things i believe. therefore sometimes, it takes awhile to adjust to the way how ppl see things, do things and how they appear to be. behind every face, behind the facades we hide behind... do we carry with us our hurts, our disappointments, our bitterness? is it piled upon each other that the very foundations its laid on are mere cracks that become more acute with time? inasmuch as we try to be... its time to give it up to the Lord. time to stop hurting. time to stop carrying but releasing. =)

training myself to be refreshed in the Word. while waiting for daddy to get ready or while on the mrt train to school, such travelling time... so precious. so i begin my day with His word. my eyelids were like eyeswideshut 2 days ago, but nevertheless.. i took out my bible... read a chapter.. dwelled on certain verses.. felt refreshed. felt joy. felt sustained for the day ahead[9 hrs of school]. happy happy to have Him. woohoo. so amazing to spend time with Him.

felt purposeless last week... the flesh is speaking. hahahaa. but now, things are looking up. perspectives ironed out... now with additional roles. may be helping my friend out in one of NTU's some publicity stuff with short films and photo taking. EXCITING TOO. harnessing my passions in the right way.. i hope.

something to share

you know how sometimes u get off the phone feeling so unsettled, yet there's nothing u can do. u think about why u said what u said, or what the other party said... u tink, u mull over it, u ask yrself why u did what u did.. hours can pass just like that. hurr hurr. BUT, for the past week, even though there were points like these, i was able to go on doing what i was doing, or turning in to bed without the thoughts scrambling here and there. i can sense His hand in this matter.

sometimes i wish i knew the answers. sometimes when the flesh takes over, feel sad-ish about how things are... its all these sometimes that takes a toll? dunno how to explain. but now.. things are looking up, cuz i'm looking up to Him. yay.

patience. understanding. communication.

my bro and mummy just came back from charlie and the choc fact! its like 11.45pm on a school nite. LOL... =)

this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.

2005-08-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

dim sum-ed. =)

finally, i can declare.. I WATCHED DIM SUM DOLLIES! woooooooot. finally watched something in the esplanade. goood seats too. kungfu part was funny, the merlion one too... all in all, proud to be a singaporean. waved the flag up high.

the power of a car. so happy ivan drove. woooohoo. no mrt woes, no putting up with pushes or "Excuse me...", no need for "ahhh.. 1 more minute!!" dashes.. i so have to pass my driving test. i so have to.

met up with stone today. yay. caught up.. shared "stories".. EONS since i went to town. other than for 7 swords.. where carl's parking was like $12? $$$$$$$.. hurr hurr. met her mother. hahaha. "gelak scali." LOL...

MUMMY GOT TOUCHED IN MS TODAY. yay! so happy. my aunty came along to pray with mummy. sooo, really very thankful. reminded me of why family is so impt.

physically tired. all the going outs, travelling is killing me softly. very softly but surely. all the times when i just knock out on the way back of like what.. 20 something stops? so far; haven't puked. THANK GOD. =)

just lent my camera to my neighbour. they took half an hour to take a few photos.
*ponders*
whatever. i just threw it on my bed. along with the disc.
ah. stupid me, should have not thrown MY camera. urgh.
such slavishness.
i think my emotions are getting out of control.
either i go shop it out, or throw some stuff here and there, raise my voice here and there or just sleep it off.
bad bad bad.

vibes alive.
hate how i get vibes and be able to tell ppl stuff about their lives,
but when it comes to mine
screwed.
guru muku.

i love.

2005-08-13T07:17:00.000-07:00

out at sakae. FINALLY met up with stone. i have more photos of her hand then her face okay. urgh. even in LA!!! boooooya. met jo and she joined us!!! i cannot stand how fat my face looks. =/

2005-08-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

everything in its time.

what are the signs? do they slap u right in the face like those rethoric answers u get once in awhile?

cell was good today. did a lesson on Praise and Worship... input many of my afterthoughts and my own experiences while in worship. picking up the pieces and trying to piece them together one by one... looking forward to next week's cell session, where we're really gonna trash things out as a cell. the differences, the divisions... the quiet undercurrents. it needs to be undone. so i truly hope and pray that we will be able to just have a "tell-all" session and by God's grace, the cracks will be healed. if we can't even agree and be a collective unit as a cell, i tink we've failed as a ministry.

i honestly believe that this cell can definitely grow and multiply to tons more. honored to run this race with each of them. i'm learning as i go along, going thro' phases with them... and i know that they're changing me too. i thank God for these changes.

he said " don't walk away ever."
yet, he walked away.
she tried to talk to him.
he wouldn't even let her.
their paths met again
they exchanged plastic smiles.
both walked on by.

left like an evening morning glory.

good to see steph after so long. family gatherings ; good stuff. =)

2005-08-07T07:37:00.000-07:00

steph's back! out for family dinner. woooot. =)

2005-08-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

walk away.
wide eye wonder.
everything in its time, yet sometimes i wonder what lies ahead.
i try to smile my tears away.
one more door in the way.

music in the backdrop : corrinne may. marvellous.

FOP was great, went there without any expectations and felt fulfilled in a way. refreshed most definitely. ran with vic to chop like 3 rows of seats. but yeah, i felt my soul soar up in worship. such a long long time. i rejoiced again. rejoice.

felt like i was sinking the past one week. its only the beginning.. many issues need to be straighten out in cell. reminded that its His cell during worship yesterday. divisions within the cell, subtle yet so strong. reminded of Corinthians.. aah.

we're all history makers in disguise. the clock ticks by, history's being recorded; my wings still feel close to the ground.

MS

mummy's coming for MS today. super yay. so timely too.. i just needed to see Him work in my family. yes He has been, yes He still is. can't wait for her to experience Him again.

take a look at the ordinary.

2005-08-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

just a somebody.

2005-07-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

the existential loneliness of the human subject.

i picked up the phone, to hear you say... goodbye forever.

there i was, getting all furious about not closing the windows cuz of the heavy rain, whilst trying to swtich modules, while trying to get my brother to eat... and then, i got the call.

rushed down, and like jo, i didn't know how to feel. how do u say goodbye to a friend that left such wonderful footprints in your heart? i still don't.

so there i was, while the rain trickled down upon us all, i said goodbye with the tears that beseeched for you. the days in school where u took out yr handkerchief to wipe yr face, how your laughter sounded, i miss your eyes that spoke to us, that shade of brown, that smile and chuckle, your subtle reassurances, yr wonderful listening ear.. i think about the band days, the australia exchange trip... there u were.

all it took, was a van to dash the red light, to ram and crush u right under it, and u were gone. your silent goodbye to us all.

as i sat waiting to see the very last of you, i prayed that somehow, i'll see u up there. why did it have to be your going away for us all to meet again? you of all people. you.

you left such deep footprints in all our lives.

my last goodbye my dear friend.

strike up the band
i found my friend
he laid there without a care
your last goodbye
my first hello
spangles of sunlight
or so i thought
tears just went on by

the sky said not a chance
the clouds gave in
they cried an awesome loud
drizzled. tickled.
i wish you were
but u laid there still

wishes. dreams. your aspirations.
now silence fills the air
with memories, and coloured days
thats all that's left of you
the fallen leaves
that shade of brown

goodbye you.
goodbye.

goodbye.

2005-07-28T05:19:00.000-07:00

right back at you.

mood : feeling the pressure, getting tired, cracks surfacing in time.

gonna try and turn in earlier today... wanna spend more time with Him.

yes indeed cheerios, i'm feeling rather down of late. and the answer to that : haven't spent quality time with Him. i tink QT should be... quality time/quiet time at the same time. how frail we are without Him.

whilst travelling to school today, felt lost. mixed feelings i guess. everytime i feel like i'm gonna blow up, all those ideas of how i would have let it out would pop into my mind.. pretty entertaining, but then.. i just let it go. or rather, i tink i just let it in.

mum's condition is sorta stabling. nearly broke down badly thinking about all the what-if's. why am i getting tired? here's why... gotta wake up at 6am everyday to go down to slavish jungle. study about things i don't like till afternoon. make my way back home. don't forget how crappy i feel whenever i'm on long mrt rides or just on buses. hopefully nap when i get home. make sure boy does his stuff. meanwhile, still helping out with household chores at the backdrop esp after mummy shouldn't do so much. gotta start doing tutorials and going thro lec notes. take care of cell stuff. follow up as much as i can. my day ends with me knocking out the moment i touch my bed. not forgetting once sept comes, my driving lessons are packed up.

gonna drop my Media in America module because i know i won't wait 4 hours for a 3 hour lecture.

maybe some of what u guys do are so much more than mine... maybe. but yeah.. DON'T get me wrong, i'm not feeling angry or why is God so unfair. i know that He knows that all this, i can bear. just gotta lean more on Him. looking forward to BS-ing with Gina. she's my BAP partner. YAY. finally.. enforced bible study. i like. cuz i'm lazy inside and i need in-graining. so that part, i'm excited. at least i can better know Gina too. =)

my heart screams... "i'm tired!". my head goes.. "keep on going!". was sitting at the bus stop, waiting for slavish 199, and i was thinking.. how many times we think we're doing our best, we're stretching ourselves thin, how we keep doing and trying to make everything right and as best as we know how... is that how God would have wanted us to feel? i mean.. for the past few weeks i keep thinkin.. what i'll say to Him on THE day. actually i personally believe that its only right that we do what we do; i mean, that we keep doing our best no matter what. that we go all out. with that being said, do use your own "judgement" on how far to stretched yrself... but i think the crux is.. to not get bitter. to not feel that no one appreciates. to not feel that you're the only one out there trying to make everything work. me and my thoughts. =/

God empowers, not strains our soul. God strengthens, not bring down. God blessed us with all our talents, not shame us with what we lack. God. what more is there to say?

this song made my heart crack up. this song reminded me to THINK about Him again. this song reminded me of my emptiness and nothingness without Him.

when i think about the Lord
how He saved, how He raised me
how He filled me with the Holy Ghost
how He healed me to the uttermost
when i think about the Lord
how he picked me up
turned me around
how He set my feet
on solid ground

-and sings my soul-

2005-07-25T23:15:00.000-07:00

school has STARTED. lecture has gone into full swing. as i'm gonna attempt to start reading my notes in a bit... the rest of the co-ed AA is madly bidding away... ahhhh.. such slavishness. both ways. JIAYOU guys!!!! i hope u get all the slots and that all yr mods dun clash!! =)

timed myself all the way into the jungle. if i wake up at 5.50am and leave my house by 6.30am plus daddy send me to the pasir ris mrt station, i can get to boon lay in one hour flat. meaning to say by 7.55am i'm in B.L. so stay in the que for 10 min, bus takes 10-15 to get to school, i reach by 8.15am. coooolness.

so here it is... should i invest on an ipod?? i dunno. the one i want is like $500++. so expensive. i can imagine ling rolling her eyes here.. hahaha. yes ling.. i find things expensive. i dunno. will go think about it.

can't wait for sept 27. i so wanna pass on first attempt!! auto car somemore.. hurr hurr.

mum's out with her friends... dad's away in batam, boy's in sch, sis is in taipei..

i've been dwelling on this verse for quite awhile now...
"For our light and momentary troubles are acheving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" 2 corinthians 4:17

so true so true. all that we feel, all that we experience, all that we go thro'.... just temporary. just a transition. just a speck of what we have yet to amazingly taste, that eternal glory. so let your days count for something.

need to reach out more. need to be more care-bearish. need to watch my language. to be more like Him, less of me and my selfish desires and wants. little by little... wanna see His cell grow... experiencing His changes.. experiencing His hand.

the in-betweens. the complications. the conversations. the time we spend. the more we learn about how we work, how we think, how we are made up. the differences. you and me.

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I cant keep up and I cant back down
Ive been losing so much time

Cuz its you and me
And all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And its you and me
And all other people
And I dont know why I cant keep my eyes off of you

The clock never seemed so alive.

2005-07-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

i want to eat that lemon chicken rice.

2005-07-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

contrary to popular belief, the whole put braces procedure is NOT PAINFUL. i stress.. the procedure of putting [sticking the metal pieces, cum extraction, cum changing rubber bands] is not painful. BUT, eating, chewing, biting down on something HURTS THE CRAP OUT OF YOU. just clamping down, i feel like screaming and banging my head on the wall. =/

had mee sua for lunch. sianness.

so i sat in crystal jade for dinner today. i wanted to bite my tongue off! surrounded by all the wonderous smell... i had to settle for... pei dan zhou. not too bad.. BUT I COULDN'T CHEW THE MEAT. sigh. i swallowed most of it without chewing. plus when the tofu came... ah.. the ends were hard. so u see... they should come out with dishes that is filling yet without must chewing. accomodate to the braces population. i'm kinda hungray. ah wells.

watched "Be with you" at orchard cine.. GO AND WATCH IT. as usual i teared.. cuz its so heart wrenching cum nice cum good plot cum ah.... worth my $9.50. this is a must see for all those who are attached, getting attached, or waiting to be attached. hahaha.. which means the whole world. =)

living out our obligations.

do we buy something because we feel obligated to? i know i used to, but now, not anymore. or i try not to.

asking myself more questions as time passes... i guess that's why older people don't really live out loud, cuz everything just goes on in their heads.

it hurts trying to make a decision. no matter what choice we make; strings are attached. learning to let go. piece by piece... little by little. sometimes when you've given the best you know how, you've done all that you could... you take a step back... what does it taste like? is the aftertaste bitter like those darn ice coffee that taste like eeeeeeee "why did i get it???", or will it be overtly sweet like teh si peng that has too much si?

are we all medium rare? look cooked on the outside yet bleeding on the inside?

just slap me now. ah wait.. dun slap me.. hahaha.. dun wanna get cut on my lips. hahahah.

fiction-ated.

2005-07-20T02:13:00.000-07:00

so you sailed away...

was strolling back from cheney's house. took my own time despite the grey skies... went by the oh too familiar bubble tea stall.. can u believe it? i actually que-ed for 10min at the wrong stall? hurr. till i took my first sip, i was like.. bleeh. wrong one.. threw my $1 drink away and went to the right one and ordered.. "honey ice bleneded."

it was the same old guy.. the same old stall... the same old feeling i got when we used to run opp sch in between lecture breaks... buying over 10 cups at a time for the ppl in the ssc room. i miss that. i miss wearing my grey shoes, dragging my feet to class.. trying to stay awake esp in triple k's maths lesson. hahaha.. bitching with cheryl or xian ming.. woohoo. and usually.. i'll be walking around bag-less. wonder why? cuz we usually deposit our bags at the ssc room. ahahaha.. and then.. go there and play.. CAROM. or just sleep on the sofas. ahhh. reminiscence.

some stuff seem all too hazy now. others still fresh like it was only yesterday. people. people make the difference.

contentment. i'm not like other people. or so i say. honestly, i'm rather goal-less or ambition-less. i know that's pretty bad but ahhh... i tink i lost all my "what do u wanna be when u grow up?" answers.. cuz as u grow up, u realize... ahh.. forget it. what do i wanna be when i grow up? a business woman. hehehe. yarh. thats a desire. own a business.

a few more days and the semester begins. i have nothing to say.

the song "best i ever had" kept ringing in my head the entire day. dunno why. prob was like the champagne supernova song... something about it. many moments i wish to press "Pause", many other moments i wish to press "Rewind" to re-live it again. time waits for no Man. moments too.

u can be happy yet hurting all this while. u could have a smile and laugh all the time yet cracks deep down don't surface in time. u could pretend as though nothing gets to you and seem like you don't care, when deep down inside you're screaming "i doo!". you could be all this and more but nothing like u used to be before.

to a grey sky morning.

2005-07-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

FOUR has left the building.

what AM i talking about???!?!!?!??! MY TEETH! hahahah. extracted them today.. wooot. and i wanna say to all those who are thinkin of wearing braces... STOP THINKING AND GET THEM ON.

yah balls. look at me? turning 2 decades old than put it. hurr hurr. went to the dentist.. He's so nice and patient and good skill... especially while administering the anasthetic. gooooood... i felt like my lips were ballooning or something. man.. the whole process was fast and before i knew it, it was over... bled like siao. cuz of the numbness... i couldn't really like feel whether i was sawallowing my saliva.. so guess what? as i sat in the chair.. looking at my dentist write some stuff... i drolled a pool of blood on the chair. hahahahah.. ah.. thank GOD it didn't hurt!!! yay! honestly.. or so far.. it hasn't hurt. man.. the roots of our teeth are LOOOONG i tell u. long. it can be mistaken for a tiger's toooth or something. heh.

while doing the whole procedure.. my dentist played... Anita Mui's songs.. so nice. hahaha. pretty calming too.. cuz my mother was not there with me. but yeah.. he and his nurses were very nice and warm.. and friendly.. GOOD.

anyway.. had my "last" meal of rice, beef, chicken, tofu, siao long bao for lunch. man.. i'm so gonna chew my hearts out before thurs when i get the braces on. wooohooo.

sue called me like at 6-ish. good timing.. cuz the numbness was wearing off and the bleeding wasn't so bad.. so could talk properly. hahahah. i so am gonna eat porridge forever. =/

THANKS for all the reassurance.. sue, carl, jo.. ah lu.. the ppl who have put braces on.. ha. i know stone will slap me if i start on my whole braces issue again. hahahaha. u guys ROCK!

take a moment and ponder

give and take. that's all it ever was about. i still believe in patience. am i really that bo-chap? u can't fight the world. true, i gotta be more aware of things.. BUT, we all need to verbalize them. no matter how tiring it gets.. all issues can be ironed out, its whether we take the time and effort to do it. everything we go thro'.. is a lesson to be learnt.

let's wait and see.

driving issues

ahhh. i hope i still can get 17th sept for driving test. eeeeks. got driving again tmr.. can't wait to smile at the instructor with 4 teeth less. hahahahha. man. i hope the office will be opened after my lesson at 6.. which is highly unlikely. ahhhhh.. HELP.

anyway.. thank God for alot of things. i finally plucked and sucked it in.. and took out one of my toe nails. URGH. pain sia... dunno how but it broke into 3/4 and one part got stuck in my flesh. urrrgh.. so just now.. i just pressed and pulled and yanked. hehe. good technique!

timing. all a matter of time before things will go their way. so happy for jo who got touched and ministered in the 4th service.so happy for her. no regrets going for 4th service. none at all.

don't look back in anger.

2005-07-18T06:35:00.000-07:00

yes i know. i love myself. hahah. CHECK OUT MY LIPS. woah. they were swollen. hurr hurr.

2005-07-18T06:34:00.000-07:00

i love sundays.

2005-07-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN with our yellow!!

2005-07-18T06:32:00.001-07:00

THE WHOLE GANG!

2005-07-18T06:32:00.000-07:00

just the... 3 of us. =)

2005-07-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

my CELL!

2005-07-18T06:30:00.000-07:00

out with stone, dog and NTU kayaking captain. hahaha.

2005-07-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

was able to sleep last night ... thank God.
was able to survive driving... thank God.
was able to reach CJ'S without motion sickness... thank God.
was able to get Dental appointment... thank God.

called upon His name the entire of last nite. thank God for ppl like ah lu, sue, joanna, meiyun, carl, yiling, alicia, starfish... the list goes on.. whenever i need prayer support, i'm so glad that i have them, vice versa too. always felt prayer support was impt. take food poisoning in bangkok for example. or whenever i feel tat i need that "boost".. ahh... God sent. so.. thank you guys very very much.

poured like siao today. so worried that i'll be driving on ultra wet roads.. thats something u wanna avoid, esp in ubi. guess what? we had to do EMERGENCY BREAKS today. i hate that. so irritating. my heart really couldn't take it. and the thing with emergency breaks.. the instructor will suddenly slam the compartment top and i have to break STRAIGHTAWAY. really sooo thankful that he did it when there was still 20 min of lesson left. OR ELSE... i would definitely had gotten an attack or something. honestly. such abruptness really bad for health. urggh. the sound of his slamming is so loud that all u you do is jus jam the breaks like there was no tmr. hurr hurr.

on a brighter note.. went to CJ's house for bbq.. which was in SERANGOON! walked to the bus interchange and realised there wasn't the buses i was toold!!! *cheated* hahahaha... thank God alvin came to pick me up in his uncle's car.. hahaha! luckily for him.. or else.. i'll be like the rest.. walk like 20 minutes all the way in. good to have caught up with Lidia.. finally. good to see Lyndon.. oh and DANIEL GOT HIS BIKE LICENSE. woooah piang. so fast rite? he did it in what.. 2 months? i've been learning how to drive for the past 1 year inclusive of basic theory. urrgh. slap me now. discovered that.. Syahid lives opp the connector!!! ahhh!!!! so near man. wee hee. so u never know what you're gonna get i tell u. definitely not.

meeting stone tmr! YAY!!! finally. got my dental appointment too!! yay! 4pm. so happy when they called back and told me one of their patient's cancelled. hahaha. yay! going to doctor's too. YAY! went to take down the consultation times. heh.

many thanks for all the prayers. on my knees! really. so very happy to have all of u in my life.

because He is able.

2005-07-13T05:45:00.000-07:00

the past catches up oh too soon

haven't really shared this, but yeah.. might as well once and for all. i was diagnosed[i know diagnosed sounds so terminal.. ah.. but u get my drift lah] with asthma in secondary school, dunno why, but yeah. had one very major asthma attack in sec 1 where the ambulance was nearly sent for. pretty dependent on my ventolin, esp when the band went to Australia... those rides where they always say [ppl with heart conditions, pregnant.. are advised not to go on it]... hahaha. i sat them and nothing happened. always trusted the Lord for complete healing.. this came to pass before i entered JC. jo can u remember my 2.4km timings?? hahaha. dunno how i got the NAFA pin at the end.

don't know WHAT got into me when i joined sea sports club, esp kayaking... pretty high cardio sport, thank God nothing major happened... except, i can't remember who's kayak.. but it rammed right into my chest, as in full speed and all... cuz my k1 capsized. didn't feel pain so i tot, ah.. nothing's wrong. plus life after that was like filled with sports related stuff... till today. have always enjoyed sports, esp water related ones [okay i will get my Sailing license soon, i promise.]...

here's the thing. i'm not feeling well again. i tink last year i had an acute attack but after like 20 mintues it got better... had a minor asthma attack this morning. i thought it was just some chest pain, but carried on thro' the day. as i type away, i can feel my whole rib cage pressing against my heart. which is pretty sore if u ask me. told mummy but she brushed it aside... hurr hurr. i've stopped jogging late at nights, esp after the incident where this guy was jogging and he just fell dead on the floor. that's superbly scary, esp if you're jogging late in the night[which i love lah]. fret not, i'm going to the doc's tmr.

so i'm here, asking for prayer support.. pls keep my heart in prayer... cuz i cannot take anymore major catastrophic experiences. esp sunday's... sometimes i tink they are little trials God puts in the way so that i can appreciate and depend on Him while teaching them.

what if... one fine day, you realise i'm gone; what would u do? i know this sounds sick, but i always wondered who will attend my funeral, what would it be like... how long more do i have to stay in this world that is just temporary. i'm so tempted to say.. my heart will go on [which is such a cliche and i choose not too.. *laughs*].

have i made an impact? have i shared and done what was needed?

a few years back, i was napping in the hall... home alone as usual, when i woke up.. it was 4pm and the sky was pitch black ok. as in BLACK LIKE CHARCOAL kinda black.. i tot.. oh my Lord.. are u coming now??? so many faces and instances flashed acrosee me, and i started praying... no no no.. not now.. pls not now.. my parent's aren't saved... my loved ones too.. and then it started raining with thunder and all tat. that was definitely pure fear cum guilt in action.

everytime i need a "push" to share with my dad, i'll just imagine the day of rapture; and boldness overwhelms me. so true, evangelism needs to be a lifestyle. so does discipleship. slowly integrating them as a lifestyle. really thank God for all the wonderful opportunities to share, esp with Jinli and Bendini.. and with daddy too. *jumps for joy while holding chest*

another thing i need an answer to : should i get my braces on? pls reply by tagging on tagboard.. i neeed this answer..cannot wait till sch starts.

let me be used for Your sake, for my life is but Yours.

2005-07-10T22:03:00.000-07:00

days like these when i wish i was without emotions.

days like these when i wish i knew the art of...

a plastic smile.

can't begin to describe all that ran thro' my mind and in my heart during service. my heart ached and i was just soo broken.

is it wrong to expect? was i in the wrong to correct? kept telling myself.. "slow to anger.. slow to anger.. slow to anger.. must correct.. must correct..". so i did. i touch my heart and say, i have no regrets doing what i did. somehow i wish their growing up process could speed up. somehow i wish their teenage angst cum rebellion-ish attitude could be exchanged for a little more respect.

but then again, after much thought... no. thank God for His higher plans and ways. came to realise that it is a process. learning more about myself as i go along answering this calling. i know a time will come, when i look back at their sec 3 lives and say, thank you Lord for everything. everything. His perfect timing, His perfect plans. He's pruning my garden, and the process is one that i will share in due time.

after taking them so long, i've learnt this, surrender. i am their spiritual authority and guiding them, praying/watching over them is a responsibility that HIGHLY is.. God dependent. no Him, no me, no them.

it poured like crazy after lunch. tot it was God's way of saying.. i'm crying with you. i hear your pain, i see your heart, i'm here with you.

looking forward to Youth Challenge. looking forward to MS too.. hopefully bendini can come. excited about the people that will be touched and to see His hand once again.

turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of the earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.

-and still I rise-

2005-07-09T14:34:00.000-07:00

it's 3.34am, sunday.

just finished bathing and here i am. went for MS today.. good stuff. jian han "attached" himself to me so we went round praying for ppl. thank you Lord for helping me thro' it all. didn't feel like serving cuz felt a little sickish. but did anyhow, and God really supported me. prayed for 3 ladies today.. prayed for this woman's niece, and somehow, just felt the warmth as i prayed. could just see the level of faith in the woman. one fine day, i know her niece will give her testimony on stage. =)

had 50 cents chendol softee with jian han.. chatted with him and ah lu as we strolled to the interchange. goood stuff too.

anyhow.. went out for supper with alvin lai. finally met up with him after so long. finally passed him his Flamming Hot cheetos.. we caught up for what.. 3 hrs? talked about church, God, relationships, dating, our families, our sec sch days... life in general. its always nice sharing/talking to him... new perspective on issues, and also, can see how much more mature he is too. army changes ppl. truly thank God for a wonderful friend.

he's prob going to UCLA forever....... sorta expected it, cuz he truly loves USA. i do too, after having LA-ed. gonna miss him. miss how we talk about funny stuff like movies and we were singing to the tune of.. "ghostbusters...". realised that i've known him for like... 7 years of my life. gonna be so weird with him gone. he's one of a kind.. and a good listener too. i can just go on and on.. ahahahha. always thankful for him... someone who i can just share anything and i know, he doesn't judge me. haiyah.. its just sad to know he's gonna fly away. BUT, he's an analyzer. hahaha. so sometimes.. i dunno. hard to read at times too. ah wells. *huge grin*

while strolling back to take a cab, we saw.... the huge parade of army vehicles!!! hahah. so fuuuun! i knew something big was gonna pass us cuz of the many traffic police.. than i heard such a loud engine noice ... and i tot.. were they transporting a boeing or something like that?? and to our surprise... THE MOTHERLOAD OF TANKS AND HUGE ARMY VEHICLES. sooo coool so cool.. so we waved.. as though we were in the NDP! hahahha. cooooooolness.

on a brighter note, i'm excited about tmr main service message. its on "how to bring yr family to church". gooooooood stuff. can't wait for cell tooo. exciting exciting. haven't been this excited in a loooong while. so.. He's definitely working!!! hahaha.

He meets us where we are.

-strolled-

2005-07-09T12:58:00.000-07:00

i wish u could see the video!! many many tanks and other vehicles which i dunno what's their name. hahahah

2005-07-09T12:57:00.000-07:00

one of the many TANKS!

2005-07-09T12:49:00.000-07:00

alvin lai. hahahahha. i like his t-shirt. =)

2005-07-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

spent the day doing household chores cum talking with mama. washed the balcony [carried like 5 pails of water!! goood weight lifting..] , the toilet too. ironed one of pa shirts cuz mummy had to bring in the clothes.

one thing good about staying home : i get to talk to mummy one on one. spoke to her during lunch... chatted about our family... ah boy... pa's new job... my driving... my sch stuff.. my life and the people who matters to me.

went out for dinner and it was time well spent. simpang-ed later. woooohoo. i love the teh oh peng. rocks my socks off. great to see doug after EONS. managed to catch up a bit... before we car-ed down to.. carl's house! heheh. did u know that carl has the lip ice stick? hahahaha. hilarious. saw carl's sec sch year book and he looks so much thinner.. wee hee. all the same yarh har! =)

changes are inevitable. one fine day... perhaps u'll go.. "woah cordy has changed so much.." , or.. "SHE'S A LADY!!!!".. baby steps i guess. gotta begin somewhere. i don't know. i don't wanna lose me. don't wanna be another one-of-those-wind-blow-away kinda girls. dun get me wrong, i'm not saying change is bad.. i'm saying.. i need strength and will to. u gotta look at how i was brought up.. my family and relatives.. we're loud and happy. i guess i was never made to conform to social norms. so going from extreme to the other really ain't easy.

reflections
is it impossible to love me for my totality, every one bit? or do i have to change to show that i can be the ideal one? or maybe i just need to stand out from the normal mundane everyday girl stereotype? i've always been differentiated easily from the rest. always. since pri sch.. all the way to uni... from choir in pri sch, sect leader in band in sec sch coupled with other sch related hosting events, pub head n kayaker for sea sports plus announcer in tpjc, to THE cordy in uni life.. not forgetting behind the scenes in church life. always been differentiated. say "Cordelia.. " and they go.. ahhh. [i'm not like blowing my own trumpet, i'm saying how easy it is to finger me out of the crowd]. i'm more than just a name, more than just a loud voice. the ppl who know me for me, i know they can touch their heart and say.. thats cordy.

feel divided? i dunno how to say. on one hand, yarh.. change now. on the other, can i put it off till 21? i know it sounds weird, but i need to start praying about this. this change topic has been bothering me since... last year i guess. =/

so here's the bottom line : will change compromise who i am?

-i touch my heart and say... God help me please.-

2005-07-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

simpang-ed with carl and doug!! long time no @@!!!! hehehe. check out carl's 465 tread count bed spread! woohoo. we all went over to carl's house to prac for p & w. check out our attempts in his caps. hahahhaha. sooo funny. how many times we sung.. "take me into the holy of holies..". THANK YOU CARL FOR THE RIDE HOME.. AGAIN. =)

2005-07-06T12:51:00.000-07:00

gymed! woohoo. alone as usual.. but happy. went on the treadmill and my fav machine! woohoo. good good. so happy to perspire.. hahahah.

later went for terence's poetry license thingy. it was GOOD. esp the loud poem.. hahaha. i like i like.. and winter tears.[maybe wrong title but its the one where u could read the poem backwards too.] i loveee. really enjoyed it.. BUT, i found the army one.. well.. a little long? no offence.. but i just couldn't relate i guess? or maybe it was my growling stomach?? hahha. how to fly the singapore flag was hilarious to me. cuz its so true.. how we're taught to do everything... so i like i like. i also like the one where they stood in rows and got the numbers... and every couple played a different scene conforming to the same line. i tink it was.. Love Poesies? i'm not too sure.. but yeah.. i LIKE TAT. i honestly think it was one of my best $8 spent. mmmm! =)

went for supper with fabian and carl. wooohooo. THANK YOU CARL FOR DRIVING ME HOME. i loooove the chicken wings too. happy to talk to fabian.. like without the church stuff like [have u written yr attendence? or.. have u updated the list? .... u get my drift].. so it was gooood.

just read one of my cell member's blog. and what can i say... thank you Lord. still constantly amazed by how He plants things along our way to lift us up.. to remind us of our calling.. to give us a push here and there... to let us know that His ways are certainly higher than us. in yoda's words "touched am i".

He amazes me.

-my God is so big, so strong and so mighty; there's nothing my God cannot do, for YOU!-

2005-07-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

check out carl's happy face! =) fabian and his porridge.. woohoo. GOLD PORRIDGE! hahahahaah.

2005-07-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

The God of the how much more.

reading "Growing Deep in God".. the book chun leck bought for us! am at chapter 3 now... just some afterthoughts from the first 2 chapters.

PRAYER.
the power in/of prayer. how to unleash it, how to go about it, how to begin... "Prayer is, therefore, not using God, but finding God." i like this line. cuz its true... sometimes i just mutter everything to Him at one go... just using Him cuz i know He hears me. forgot about the faith. forgot about dependence. it was more like... ah.. give it to Him! In addition, i learnt this.. we are to ask God for the empowering of the Holy Spirit, which He most readily gives because without help from on high, we can say our prayers, but we cannot pray our prayers.

really wanna finish the book before hectic life starts again. NOT looking forward with a capital N. haiyah. everytime school starts, i dunno how to feel. sometimes i feel like i'm wasting away... then i get all bitter inside... other times, i tink i just keep telling myself its His plan... but is it?? learning as i go along. i wish i could take the bitter roots out, but i can't. still sore about it, yes i am. gonna be year 2, gonna graduate as a Mechanical + Aeronautical engineer. but it means nothing to me. seriously. i know i should take pride in what i do, and i'm trying my best to delight.. *i tink i am*... ahhh.. its been a year, and i'm back at the beginning of this circle.

somehow, for the past few days.. feeling rather restless and strengthless. like i'm doing for the sake of doing; yes i know.. i know... *shakes head*. actually all i wanna do for the week ahead is just stay at home and rest. to just sleep. or just watch tv. so forgive me if i say NO to gatherings or whatever not... cuz i'm just seriously tired deep down inside.

leader's conference was okay. had a chance to talk talk with ching lu after tat. gooooood stuff too. got some materials from Elizabeth! ahhh! power pact! good to see Brother Patrick today too. felt pukish from the ride from city hall till i got home. i'm getting sick i tell u.

caught up with BAZHANG! [angie] today. goooood stuff. had the boney cake again. FATS! but yearh.. good time good time.

-how much more!-

2005-07-05T08:54:00.000-07:00

angie.. hahah. slavish.

2005-07-05T08:52:00.001-07:00

mummy and me!

2005-07-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

at crystal jade.. check out ah pa without his glasses! =)

2005-07-05T08:50:00.000-07:00

wooohoo! catch him in action.. waiting for ah pa to pick us up!

2005-07-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

out with boy to watch.. MADAGASCAR! physically fit.. physically fit.. hahahah

2005-07-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

sunday in church!

2005-07-02T07:54:00.000-07:00

shoppin for a denim skirt with jo at suntec. check her out with HER own!! hahha. with hearts too. LOL. that boney cake and that mudpie.. ahhhh. CALORIES. then off i went to the airport.. to bid alvin kor kor and his wife to be GOODBYE.. he's off to switzerland for 4 years.. for Ernst and Young.. there's his bro and his bro's wife... 5 months preg! wooohoo. and my mum.. bro and dad.. check Ang Peng Siong and his son out... they were there too! [not for my cousin though.. hmm]

2005-06-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND

Often people say to me "You just won't understand." "You're way too old," or "Way too young".

I don't know why some people feel they suffer unique pain. As if they are the only ones who've lost or ceased to gain. I don't know why they hide their pain and clutch it ever tighter. It seems to me that all should know - a burden shared gets lighter.

Why some folks even deign to think the pain that's in their heart, Is all their own, to keep and hoard, they set themselves apart. They keep their eyes from meeting mine lest I should see their hurt. And even if we stop and speak their words are often curt.

The Bible says: 'Two' can withstand what overcomes just 'one'. And also that - a 'Cord of Three' can scarcely be undone.

Besides, I know the ways of hurt - My heart's been crushed before. Friends have betrayed - I've lost at love, Despair's knocked at my door.

And I Remember - Thoughts gone wild - And crying late at night. Not having strength to care at all - Much less the strength to fight. But, someone special came to me - And when my trials were told. I realized that with their tears - They'd eased my heavy load.

And so, I learned - that Pain - like Love - Is bearable if shared. I don't know what I would have done without that friend who cared.

My trials did not vanish fast - In fact the time was long. But sharing gave me breathing space until I could grow strong enough to laugh again and even start to smile - And though it seemed it could not help - It eased my pain awhile.

So, if you think that you can't share because I won't understand. At least just give me half a chance to lend a helping hand. For I know that you're hurting and I know a place to start. Perhaps if you could realize - Your pain burns in my heart.

I know I cannot make your trials and troubles go away. But maybe I can help a bit to get you through today. And maybe by tomorrow you won't need help anymore. But if you should - Don't be ashamed - For that's what friends are for.And after all is said and done - The trials ceased - You're whole. Perhaps you'll know just what to do to help another soul - Who's being crushed by hurt and pain - be it woman or a man. And you won't have to hear them say "You just won't understand."

Author Unknown

privacy is one thing. sharing is another. re-read an email... it definitely packed a punch. got me thinking about a lot of things. pride, feelings, emotions, tensions, forgiveness, misinterpretations, nerves... racked up more than i tot it would; memories. some stuff i've forgotten... it all came back.

the anger that went right thro' u burns my heart. and once again, we did collide.

stop all the world now

was tryin to prep lesson in the day.. tot of lesson plans.. read up some stuff... going back to the basics. back to the AIM of cell... perhaps i've gotten offtrack all this while. all i can say is that.. it all boils down to the heart. the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart. simple. i just hope and pray that sunday's cell lesson will be one that will touch them and spur them on. =)

-ain't tat true-

2005-06-30T08:04:00.000-07:00

after gyming with carl!! woooohoo. we went to the Guard's camp there.. hahahha. thanks for the ride!! booya! GREEN AND GOLD!

2005-06-30T08:03:00.000-07:00

lunch at the zhi cha stall! yummmy.

2005-06-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

SERGENT LEE JINLI!!!

hahaha. finally after soooo sooooo sooooo long.. got to see Jinli.. and better yet, in his uniform. hahahhahah. my my my.. he certainly lost weight.. poor thing. =( really missed him!

but i had fun today! going into his vehicles.. switchin on the WIPER! how cool is that.. sitting at the back.. experiencing how it'll be like if there's WAR! and the hatchet thats on the top of e vehicle.. cool to the maximus of the mamabull. i love tanks!!!!!!!

just went downstairs to pass him the stuff from bangkok and LA. woot woot. must sit down and catch up with him soooooon.. really wanna invite him to our church's july 17th youth challenge thingy.. its time.. its time!

spent 30 minutes repacking my wardrobe.. shall do more tmr.. hehe. giving stuff away to charity.. as for the others, u'll get an sms from me soon. hahahaha. i have formal shirts and tops to give away! yaboodoos.

okay! my breath smeellllls of durian. hehe. away i go to the land that i love!

-its okay to say i don't know-

2005-06-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

foooooood away! again.. we reunited at... THE SOUP RESTAURANT. hahhaha. got myself a mango top for those formal dinners and a skirt from AZTEC! yay! good buys good buys.. haiz.. what about the GAS jeans.. *still thinking* we must JIAYOU jo!!!!! no more fats! =)

2005-06-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

how cool is that!! hahaha. jinli in his uniform and me in the funky mama vehicle! i nearly fell while holding the gun thingy.. CUZ JINLI didn't attach the leg raise thingy properly.. but not his fault..its the machine's!! hahaha. or so i say... why do army man not smile when taking photos??? to look cool is it? hahahha. i wanted to pat the dog.. but the guy said.. "i tink u shouldn't!!".. ahhh =)

2005-06-28T08:29:00.000-07:00

NUS CELL-ed

spent the day with jo.. at the pool, having lunch.. watching a movie.. had a good time catching up! yarrh.. i seriously tell u guys ah.. the brain cells inside my brain that controls my eating has gone NUTS! or it has completely like eradicated or something. i can't stop eating. i get hungry so easily.. HELP.. HELP. ask jo how much i ate today.. i had.. noodles for lunch, waffles + ice cream of snack time, ate a cup of sweet corn [so buttery!!] in the cinema, had a MOS cheesburger meal after tat.. and went on to Ching Lu's house for dinner. HELP! help.. can someone like tell me how to stop and control?? the only way i can do it.. is to have a huge mirror and put it in my bag.. to remind myself how much cardio i have to do to burn it all away. I HATE FATS. =/

oh.. went swimming and wat did we see in the pool??? SNORTS?! yes.. a huge blob of yellow snort at the bottom.. circling my feet! i screamed i tell u. its the biggest blob of snort i have ever seen in my life.. esp one that can swim. INCONSIDERATE SWIMMERS! snort in the toilet or something.. not in the pool!!! can u imagine if u were swimming and suddenly something got stuck on yr goggles?? or on yr hands? or if u swallowed water.. sway sway it went into yr BODY??!!?!? gross. *rolls eyes* urgh.. so pls.. the next time u go swimming.. wear a full body suit or something! plus oxygen tank. urgh.. *SCREAMS*

on a brighter note! today was Ching Lu's birthday and York Keng's one too.. plus Chun LeCk's bye bye nite before serving our land. =) had fun in the kitchen with gracia.. cutting up potatoes and lettuces.. fingers going numb cuz of the hot hot hot eggs and potatoes! mel's constant "can i help with anything??" .. alicia's snipping away of the otak so it can fit into the oven... hahahha. such a warm and fun gathering i had. so great to be in such a wonderful cell. so thankful. so happy!!!! fellowship of the saints? grin.

thank you so very much Chun LeCk

now onwards.. i will always remember the C in yr name. hahaha. thanks also for the book, will read it and take points down! all the times i travelled down from the jungle, i've NEVER been shortchanged. never. always took back something new, somthing to ponder about and something to share either with my roomie or with cell.. thank you for all the pass-it-ons i received.. and all the engravings of the Word i got out of yr lesson. esp the Parable about rest.. and the banquet! you've been there for me! definitely. as for that area of my life, aaahh.. will keep u updated! *grin* so, enjoy NS mr. romantic! He will see u thro' it!

under the weather, feeling the pain

hope u feel better sooooooooooon. keeping u in prayer.. so are the rest too.. By His strips, u will be healed. amen. =)

-looking up to Him-

2005-06-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

what's there to say.. other than.. we'll miss u Chun LeCk! thank you for being such an encouragement and a wonderful teacher.. and friend.

2005-06-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

"final" cell with Chun Leck before he leaves for prison[army!!].. grin. what a fun fun fun time we had.. gathering and just catching up with each other's lives! =)

2005-06-28T05:57:00.000-07:00

a day at the pool! i need more cardio cardio cardio!

2005-06-27T08:25:00.000-07:00

watched Batman Returns with pa and ma! the first time we watched a show TOGETHER since i was pri 3 or was ir pri 6? we watched Braveheart a long long time ago.. tat was my first midnight movie.. and it was with my family!! eee har! had a lovely time.

2005-06-26T23:52:00.000-07:00

CELL!!!! games day! wooohoo! dim summed with ling and jo! =)

2005-06-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

chatchuchak!

2005-06-26T23:22:00.000-07:00

rural area.. to MBK. the pretty girl playing on her instrument! so preettty man! heheh. and us goofing around with the characters.. i tink carl really looks like the lazy garfield! hahah. we really chiong-ed suan lum night market! fun fun fun. look at slavish carl. hahahahahaahhahaha.

2005-06-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

chaps.

2005-06-26T23:14:00.001-07:00

oh happy day! check out sue's fingers! hahaha. so cute.. a day away from civilisation... hehehe. check out all their happy faces with the grasshoper! =)

2005-06-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

PATPONG! haha.look at the red bull tops! hehehehe. not forgetting the bacardi. woooot. i still prefer the orange one. hahahaha.

2005-06-26T23:07:00.001-07:00

maggie moos! i love the ice cream! wee hee. did u noe tat kiat loves ice cream? hahaha. check out the 465 tread count on the bedspread carl bought!! woo. definitely $$$! hehehe. check ivan out.. hahahaha. =)

2005-06-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

check out carl's haircut! woohoo. tuk tuk rocks my world man.. we all went to Yaowarat for dinner. sooo full.. check out my mother's happy face! weeee heee!!

2005-06-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

hard rocked! hehehe. check out carl's hair! so shaggy!! woohoo.

2005-06-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

bangkok!

2005-06-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

so much has happened.. yet i dunno where to start. fighting battles, and some i dunno whether its time to raise the white flag.

finally back from bangkok, and no, i didn't shop like crazy, but i did watch 2 movies and stood up for their national athem. and no, i didn't get any coconuts. drats. =/

cell is in the midst of transformation. i just wanna say that He is more than enough for us. if ever a time u need confirmation that He is watching u, dial my number. i'm serious. cuz He is. there were times when i felt like (-)ve 1 on the sine curve, so discouraged, so empty, so numb? yes, there was. yet, in His own way.. i was reminded time and time again of His goodness and providence. take yesterday for example.. i was sitting in the office with the alvin's.. waiting for 5pm to come so that we can start our prayer thingy.. and Lewis Lam was right next to me.

He said "How are u? How's yr cell group?".. i know this sounds like a normal question.. one where u can just say.. i'm fine, cell's good. but i didn't.. i started sharing about my cell, the questions i face.. the stuff i'm grappling with.. and Lewis started sharing too. it was definitely very uplifting, very encouraging. [this is what sunday's should be!!!!] cuz He said this, [i sorta rephrased it cuz i can't remember exactly what he said..], if ever a time u or yr cell members feel so dry, or just take christianity lightly, you are too filled up with worldy stuff. that was a lightbulb moment for me. He went on further sharing with me what he did with his cell [pri 6's]... and how they went "huh??? no cell ah!!" when he told them it was games day yesterday.

i want tat for my cell. i want them to say HUH? no cell ah. dun get me wrong.. sometimes when u've prep so much for a lesson, all u ever want is for them to catch it on, and engrave it in their hearts.

But, yes ling [i know yr rolling yr eyes cuz with me, there's always a but..], how can i want that for them when my own life is so caught up with the world. time to take the roots out. woke up and laid in bed reflecting about my life.

some stuff seem so grey and hazy now, cuz i jsut can't remember them so clearly anymore. others, i think i've let go and forgotten completely. memories. all bitter-sweet, what do u remember most? the heartaches? the (+)ve one's on the sine curves?

build me up buttercup

i don't know where to begin on this. i don't know what to say anymore cuz i just don't know. i'm not gonna do anything anymore cuz i don't need to. i'm not gonna explain anymore cuz it needs no explaination. i should have tried harder, i should have. all the i should have's could circle around the earth at least twice. no point living in regrets. i'm gonna let it go, cuz there's no point clinging onto words, cuz if u look beyond that, they're just empty.

you're walking with stupid.

-love me if you dare-

2005-06-20T07:48:00.001-07:00

finally! OUT WITH STONE and LILI! wooohoo. finally man.. haiz. and now i'm flying off. hahaha. check lili's permed hair.. hahaha. CAN U SPOT THE DIFF? LOL. stone still stoning man. hehehe. lili came all the way to singapore.. to eat.. Long john's silver.. hahahahahahahaha. i laugh at myself when i tink of it.. JK. =)

2005-06-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

MS and cell

2005-06-19T04:59:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day!

yes indeed. father's day! definitely one of the less celebrated days of the year! but ah wells. the idea is there. wooot woot!

we had zhi2 cha4 for dinner. I LOVE zhi2 cha4. we went to this place in bedok.. thank God got no que cuz we got there at 7pm and we were hungray. yeeah.. all occassions be it, mother's day, my birthday, my mum's birthday, my bro's birthday.. we all have.. ZHI CHA. hahahahha. food rocks, price cheap, WHO CAN ARGUE!! =)

today.. wow.. the bitter gourd soup was delicious. not really a fan of bitter gourd but this time round, yeah.. goooooood stuff. had my all time favourite dishes, pai3 kwok4 wong2.. woooh hoo.. and tie2 ban3 toufu! felt like my day! hahahha. but it was ah pa's day.. yeah.

didn't get him anything.. later gonna go frame up photos. [i love framming photos!].. yeah.. the other time went to ikea bought like a gaziillion frames.. now i'm just using them. always good to stock up on stuff like tat.. esp cards too..! yuuuppers.

my house is in a MESS. yes.. its not those.. "woah my house is messy" lines.. its seriously messy like.. DEAD SERIOUS MESSY. u have no idea.. later i go take photo of the hall, yr jaw will drop. confirm chop stamp. ever since i returned... parents came back from taipei.. and then they got busy getting tickets to bkk, and swimming.. and everytime u unpack.. WOAH.. its thrown all over the place man. wooooo.

k, i cannot take it anymore, my stomach hurts like crap. hahahaha. blog soon.

don't dream its over.

2005-06-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

experienced His touch again. once during the chalet P & W, and today during MS. my heart just ached like it never did before, it really felt like something was pressing against it.. soo very painful.. and i knew whom it was for, it was for my cell members, jinli, and my family's salvation. u could just sense His presence the moment u entered the sanctuary.. how awesome.. so very awesome.

if a human heart could ache so much, how much more would His hurt?

hide me under Your wings.

2005-06-17T23:17:00.000-07:00

chalet-ed.

so many things to say, but i'll just be selective nonetheless.

cell chalet. ahh. how to put everything down.. so i'll just blog whatever comes to mind. i tink what chun leck said its true, i'm a perfectionist when it comes to my cell. haiz. so after so long.. i'm trying to stay afloat in the midst of everything. the boys will one day make such great boyfriends and dad's.. u can just see it in them. definitely. however.. some of them are going thro' things that i dun noe how to handle. like what pastor hentry says, when u don't know how to do something, the best thing to do is admit it and ask for help. gonna ask ivan, kenny and chun leck for advice...

hmmm. cell ain't perfect, but i thank God for each and everyone of them. so mannny things to do ahhhhh. *screams* but it'll be okay, cuz i know He's watching us all.

sooo.. for now, taking baby steps with tons of stuff.

just chatted with my sister. good stuff to have an elder sister. she's in illinois now.. my sister rocks my world. always looked up to her.. she was never the conformer and i admire her for that. without her, i tink my life would have been so very different. u have no idea. =)

wish i had more time.

-cows come home-

2005-06-16T09:35:00.000-07:00

i can't do it all by myself.

gonna go for cell chalet tmr.. i'll just pack tmr cuz i'm too tired. went for a jog, and usually, i love my jogs, but i just hated today's one.. dunno why. maybe due to the constant SMOKERS who pass me by. arrgh. doesn't matter.

really didn't prep myself to coming back home to singapore. slap me now.

listened to the Lighthouse Challenge in the afternooon... felt inspired and encouraged.. took points down.. now, gotta make them real. yes i know.. i'm slow.. ONLY LEFT 2 weeks... yeah yeah.. i get it... but better late then never.. I'M TRYING MY BEST!

my insides are like.. ripped apart. really. i dunno where to start, but thank u ching lu for listening and all.. we're in this together. cell.. cell.. cell. feeling stretched out inside.. my parents.. my obligations to friends.. relationships to salvage. ahhh..

give me time cuz i want to sort everything out.. just need more time.

-don't walk on by-

2005-06-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

dim summed with my parents.. can't remember the day ah!!! haha. but i love dim sum. rocks my world too!

2005-06-16T09:25:00.000-07:00

food glorious food. check out the stingray bones! LOOK at the one joanna massacred! ahhh.. it looks like rojak can.. hahahahha. so funny.. i still laugh to myself whenever i see joanna! her OBSESSIONS. kidding.

2005-06-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

en route JB! yarrpers.. long overdued photos!! heheh.

2005-06-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

"Never will I leave you;
Never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5

Amen. to cut the long story short, after breakfast, got a call from one of my cell member's mum.. always love talking to her. definitely God sent.. and definitely came at the right time too. She left me with this verse that spoke to her.. and is speaking to me.

flew 22 hours on a plane to return to a long list of things to do, to recify, to plan, to carry out. i'm still jet lagging, urrgh. highly irritating. the thing that's slamming me right in the face is, my cell. gotta prioritize my time once again, and this time, no me, but more of them. so many things happening to each and every member in cell that ching lu and i feel so inadequate to handle. soo many things.

"I will lay down my idols,
thrones I have made,
and all that has taken my heart.."

have i? have i laid it all down to Him? no. i tink i've blogged tis before i flew, LA was my way of escape, and it served its purpose.. just needed a break from the dogmatic way of life. it sucks so much... to know how far i've drifted but thankfully, by His grace, i was reminded once again of His promise.

He will never leave, nor forsake.

and this is an absolute. a promise that i can count on all the days ahead. dunno how u see it, but from my point of view, thats all i need right now. assurance.

always wondered, what's my purpose?? have u ever reflected on yr life and felt that all the things u had or did just didn't matter? *kodak moment* somehow, somewhat blurry.. i'm finding that out each and every day at 5am. well today was 6am. cuz i just couldn't sleep.. the highest priority : parent's confirmed salvations. long while ago, i rejoiced when my mum took the sinner's prayer, but that was a year ago. since then, to be honest, i haven't been pro-active with the follow ups esp with her.. as for dad, i just need to be bolder in sharing.. yes.. i lack that esp when it comes to him. cuz religion to him, just seems so far and distant.. prob cuz of his childhood and all.

i know my posts ever since i've landed seems so heavy hearted, cuz i am. issues pertaining to cell and family are always somewhat heavy.. can't change the fact.

got off the wrong foot with u when i arrived. till u have time, i dunno what to say anymore. does familiarity truely breed contempt?

-i wish i could drink milk-

2005-06-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

stop all the world now.

had a great outing with cell to JB. laughing about joanna with her stingray!! breathing in the endless carbon monoxide all the way to JB and back.. ordering 6 roti johns.. plus murtabak? ahhh.. and the kang kong that tasted so bland.. BUT the maggie goreng ROCKED MY WORLD. such great fellowship today.. maybe not exactly fellowship, but i had fun.. not forgetting terence taking the rap for sluggy with her bubble gums ah!!!! she made us wait for her tooo.. EH SLUG, u give a bad rep to TANS okay.. hahahahaha. did u know that chun leCk is a romantic? i didn't.. hahaha. dun kill me for this.. hahaha. =)

He'll catch you when you fall

She knows it’s too late as we’re walking on by
Her soul slides away
But don’t look back in anger
I heard you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows
If it’s not our day

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide

walk on by. walk on by.. kept repeating 2 songs on my media player.. you know somehow, sometimes u think, "he's got me..", but he hasn't. how different can 2 worlds be.. i really don't know. yes, i am reckless, i don't deny it.. i tink even my parents think so.. or is headstrong the word? i dunno. i tink i've never gotten over the fact how i should do-the-right-thing kinda way.. but yeah, its the christian way.

ever since i landed.. getting more and more incoherent. and my thoughts are just all over the place, and as usual.. i can't put my emotions and how i feel into words.. dunno why. i tink my escapism has taken me oh too far.. into lala land.. thinking that things were okay, but then.. it was plain denial on my part. or was it?

why do we get on each other's nerves? why do we collide on the issues that seem so little after it all?

after thinking about the whole thing, it really is my bad. should have put more thought before i got it. now, the only thing i can do is to stop feeling sorry and accept to never do it again.

after so long.. have we really gotten nowhere?

in the cab back, sue and ah lu said i should stop thinking so much.. maybe i should.

spoke to ah lu all the way till sue came onboard the train. found out things about my cell members i didn't know.. things that happened while i was away.. and all i can say is that.. it feels like its way beyond me. gotta keep the faith, cuz i know He's watching our paths every step of the way. *gotta keep telling myself tat*

could my will be God's will? am i going in the right direction? perhaps the lesson is one that can only be learnt in time. never meant to hurt nobody.

-rationalized, not.-

2005-06-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

all the way HOME!!! made new friends.. Will and Vic.. very interesting.. check out the monks! hahaha. using their cell phones and shopping for perfume!! found it so weird!! man.. so happy tat onboard the plane back to singapore.. my leg space FINALLy was more than 10cm. YAY!

2005-06-11T00:19:00.000-07:00

happy family!!!! i'm gonna miss everyone!!! esp the kids.. and aunty's laughter!!! hahahaha... and ah ma house slipper sound! mmmm.. =)

2005-06-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

so gonna miss stone when i fly off! yarrpers.. so one of our last few together photos!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhh.......

2005-06-11T00:15:00.000-07:00

waiting for the rest of the 17 members of the family!!! ahhhh.. hahahahaha.

2005-06-11T00:11:00.000-07:00

all the way to DINNER!

2005-06-11T00:08:00.000-07:00

at Carl's Jr... waiting for GLORIA and her friends.. goofing around.. CHECK out the one with my hands in the air!!!! the paper napkins got stuck ON MY HANDS! sooo weird huh? must be the soap i tell u.. the soap!

2005-06-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

another BLOGGER WORTHY! haha. check out the car.. it RAM-ED into the bushes.. which caused a little jam on our way out.. WOOOHOOO! =)

2005-06-10T23:59:00.001-07:00

yarp! we love our glasses! hahahah. no lah.. the sun is super scorching on our EYEBALLS!!!! no kidding...

2005-06-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

what a great start to zeee afternoooon!

2005-06-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

yarrpers.. so this is it.. my FINAL day in LA.. final day of last minute shopping.. met up with Sze Wenn and her sister yesterday... AHHHH.. i tink sze wenn is still the chinese version of Lana Lang man... BEAUTIFUL. hahahaha. [i hope i dun sound stalkerish.. hahahhahaha]

gonna miss this place.. LOVE the shopping here.. LOVE with a capital L lor!!! u noe why? cuz the t-shirts here are long! yes.. and i have a long body.. so i can fit into their T-SHIRTS.. finally.. after 19 years of wearing t-shirts that showed off my mid-driff or having to pull up my jeans or shorts.. hahahha. NOW I DON'T! thank you U.S.A. grin.

PLUS! here.. grocery shopping is so fun. so much choices.. so MANY ICE CREAM FLAVOURS.. and so many ways of getting FATTER too. hehheeh, realised how much stone loves mint. hahaha. thank goodness she's not a guy.. or else.. hehehe. =)

to date... i have taken over... 6 skirts, 2 pairs of shorts, one Fossil watch, one pair of Guess sunglasses, 4 new bags, one pair of slippers and Nine west heels, 3 polo's, 4 tanks, 10 t-shirts, one off shoulder top, and one "clubbing" top. hahahahha. tats just what i got for myself.. oh not forgetting a new earring tray, and a book too. ahhhh.. and my 2 pairs of earrings too, and A DRESS! okay.. i tink tats it.. i *think*.

as for the rest of u.. DON'T WORRY, i've got all of u covered too.. esp JOANNE.. hahahaha. sue too.. ling, i'm gonna get yours later.. hahahaah.

gonna miss the kids, jess's aunty.. and grandma too! even though i'm still afraid of her grandma.. ahhh. and i'm gonna miss the bin bin konjac drink.. i tink i've sorta seen more of the world coming here.. how service should be.. how ppl should be.. how impt friends are.. but all good things must come to an end..

just chatted a little with Chun Lek, read his blog too.. and it hit me, how different 2 christian lives can be. for now, while in USA, this is my escapism from everything i've left behind in singapore. going back to the doing and being when i get home, and i just wanna say how thankful i am for friends and family.

haven't got a chance to think about things, issues and all tat.. gotta start getting my life in order, my cell, my calling, my family, my relatioships/friendships... am gonna be 2 decades old, yet, i feel like it doesn't mean anything. 20 and so what? we're all pushed to learn our lessons, pushed to embrace reality.. dunno whether "push" is the word... ahhh. never mind.. just my ramblings as usual.

-He's got the power-

2005-06-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

the fountain!! i tink sze weenn is so pretty!! ahhhhhhh... hahahahhaa. stone and i goofing around in the toilet. grin.

2005-06-10T11:22:00.001-07:00

SZE WENNN!!! her sis too.. stone and me.. AT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY! at the Grove. hahahahahahah. so full i can puke..... =)

2005-06-10T11:22:00.000-07:00

second last day of LAST MINUTE SHOPPING at Third streeet.. check out the cheese fries! woot.

2005-06-08T21:59:00.000-07:00

ooooh happy day! we won a BALL! hahaha.. thanks go GLORIA's throwing of a basketball! woooot.. check out PATRICK the starfish.. so HUGE.. so hard to win the toy.. hahaha.. man.. the ICEE we ate.. boy it was goood.. BUT MADE US EVEN MORE THIRSTY.. haiz. tsk tsk.. hahahahah! =)

2005-06-08T21:39:00.000-07:00

we waited for THREE HOURS for the X ride. hurrrrr.. i have never waited so long for ANYTHING RIDEABLE.

2005-06-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

on the tramp..

2005-06-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

SIX FLAGS!

2005-06-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

all ready for SIX FLAGS

2005-06-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

gooofing about in the rooom.. heheheh.

2005-06-07T22:47:00.000-07:00

loooovely pillllooowish chairs? hahaha.

2005-06-07T22:46:00.000-07:00

HOLLYWOOOOOD